Discarded bus tickets and empty glasses littered before me
Bluegrass music drifting from the speakers
A tiredness that aches in my skin
I wish I could hold you again
Bask in your warmth
Hug you close
Feel you lips on mine
Nervous, scared
Wanting more
Never wanting to leave

Let no breath enter my body
No movement stir my limbs
Let ashes claim my heart
Discarded to the winds

I've known her for a little while. She's beautiful. Obviously that made me feel she was unlikely to be interested in me. The fact that she worked at our other site made it even less likely, distance things have a tendency not to work. The company closed that site over Christmas and she;s now covering someone else's job for a year at this site. She invited me out to the pub a few times, I figure she's just being friendly, getting in touch with people she knows, declined because of the distance and effort involved. Asked me again on Friday and I accepted because...I don't know why. I wanted to. I wanted to the other times, I'm just scared. But this time I said yes, so she picked me up, we went back to where she's staying, she fed the cat etc etc. Went to the pub, had a drink, went to another pub to meet someone else, another pub another pub. As an aside when she found out she lost her original job she commented I'd be one of the people she'd really miss seeing. And when she asked me to the pub the first time she said she'd looked forward to having a drink with me. Anyway, last bar she made me do Karaoke, hugged me a bit, kissed my cheek, had my photo taken with her. Taxi on the way home hugged close and kissed me a few times. Which took me by surprise. I pulled her back for another kiss. I think we were both pretty drunk by that point. Then she left the taxi at her place and I went home.

Stray memories have a way of catching you Making you pause, ponder and consider Wishing you didn't have to Wishing you could keep plodding on One step at a time Never looking back Never prodding at the scab If it's even a scab Rather than a wound Kept fresh and bleeding By constant picking and prodding With every glance over your shoulder At things you can never change

I wish people would stop making jokes about how unattractive I am

I'm an idiot

I invited her to sit with us at lunch, and she did, but I couldn't think of much to say, partly because my brain felt a little fried and partly because she sat next to the married guy in our office who flirts constantly with every woman and who she seems to like..
Anyway they had a bit of a chat and apparently she's actually been to watch him play rugby.

She was working on reception again today.
All day long I've been getting comments like "Why don't you go work somewhere warm, like reception?"

One of the first emails I received today?

"Why don't you come over here and warm up and keep me company?"

I did go over to get something from the other building at one point, when I got back I had an email.

"You should have stayed longer to keep me company."


I can't ask her out directly, I'm still too scared of just going up to somebody and doing that and having been turned down on the crappy attempts I've made doesn't really provide me with the confidence to go any further. She's admitted she's quite flirty but she seems to go further than the effort flirting would take, after all she talks to me, who is crap at flirting properly, more than the married guy in our office who flirts constantly. Although, this could all just be me being insanely masochistically hopeful. I'd probably be better off just giving up entirely from this point on and not bothering any more, but that's always been hard for me to start with and I'm so unused to any level of attention that it makes it even harder.
If she's just playing with me I'm sure it will become apparent soon, at which point I'll probably slip over to hating her and can get on with my life.

As an aside, why do people always have to be such children?

I got an email from her after lunch asking why someone had asked her if she missed me whilst I was off work for a day.

The thing that confuses me is that if she goes out of her way to talk to me, how come I get teased about it?

It reminds me of school, which isn't good, because it was people at school that helped to mess me up this badly in the first place.

Why can't I just be honest, tell her how I feel and deal with whatever her response is, why am I so damned terrified?

She asked if I'd buy her some breakfast this morning as she's stuck on reception, so I did.
I complained it was cold in the office and she said I could work next to her and I so dearly wanted to be able to say yes, especially when she made a similar offer later.
I know I shouldn't do this to myself, but part of me can't help but hope and I so rarely get any attention of this order from women, for whatever reason.
Apparently someone at work is organising a night out and she asked if I'd be going, saying that she might actually make it out this time.
When I said I probably would but that I thought my friends were visiting that day, she then said well, she'd still be going if she wasn't too poor.
On the plus side, my friends will be coming and we shall get drunk, and all will be, well, not right with the world, but significantly more fuzzy.

Do you know, I'd very nearly forgotten about this, which I suppose is OK, because by now I'm pretty sure everyone else has too.

As near as I can tell, I do have a problem, something in my head is seriously wrong, because I just can't seem to accept that somebody could actually want me. You see, in order to move on and actually try and ask people out properly and gain any confidence in this area I'd need to be able to believe that it's possible for someone to want me on those terms, yet I can't seem to.

I really don't know why.

I'm going to have to find something to do about it.

I intend to move house first, however.

Now, the real reason I feel the need to make this post, which is a similar reason to so many previous posts.

She's beautiful.

I should stop torturing myself like this but I can't seem to help myself.

She has the most beautiful blue eyes, the kind you feel you could stare into forever.

Fuck knows how many hours I've wasted sending her emails at work, if she'd stop replying I could stop myself doing it.

It seems, at times, almost like she's interested, she replies to my emails, texts, etc, talks about so many things you wouldn't quite expect, smiles and waves every time she seems me,seems to genuinely like coming to sit next to me on the bus...

It's far and away the most interest anyone has shown in me for so very long.

I wasn't going to do anything about it, just be typical me, let it pass eventually.

People pointed out that I had nothing to do so, via the medium of email, I did suggest going to the cinema.

Yes, email, lame I know but I'm so very crap at this and so very very scared.

"I'll get back to you on that one"

She didn't

A week or so later I made another similar suggestion, but she just ignored it, so I resolved to not bother any more.

I didn't manage to hold to it, the evening before I was originally intending to go back home to find out more about my sister suddenly being pregnant and married, she messaged me on facebook.

I replied, more messages, told her I wasn't going back home yet because my mother had said there was no point at that time. More messages, another half assed suggestion.

"I'll get back to you" plus a hint that it wouldn't be anything, if you know what I mean.

Spent hours talking to her until I was too tired to stay awake any more.

I don't know why I do this to myself.

She drops hints, relationships are too complicated, I enjoy being by myself, so why do I keep thinking maybe, maybe, maybe she'll change her mind, tell me she wants me?

I tried reminding her of the film when she didn't get back to me, told her to ring me if she did want to see it.
She didn't.
But later texted me, asking how it was and spent the evening texting me.

She's probably just being friendly, but no one else puts in that kind of effort, so it's hard for me to reconcile and I do want her so badly.

I walked over to our other site with her the other day, grabbed some stuff, returned.

I got an email "I see you managed to sneak out without saying good bye to me".

I'm listening to Fiona Apple now, I like it, it's good music and she told me to listen to it so it makes me think of her, which, for obvious reasons, constitutes a problem.

She seems to go out of her way not to say "No, I don't want you" but that doesn't really make anything better.

In fact it would be easier if she just rejected me wholly. I could move on and torture myself over somebody else.