Entry: Another train of thought too hard to follow Thursday, November 25, 2010



Do you know, I'd very nearly forgotten about this, which I suppose is OK, because by now I'm pretty sure everyone else has too.

As near as I can tell, I do have a problem, something in my head is seriously wrong, because I just can't seem to accept that somebody could actually want me. You see, in order to move on and actually try and ask people out properly and gain any confidence in this area I'd need to be able to believe that it's possible for someone to want me on those terms, yet I can't seem to.

I really don't know why.

I'm going to have to find something to do about it.

I intend to move house first, however.

Now, the real reason I feel the need to make this post, which is a similar reason to so many previous posts.

She's beautiful.

I should stop torturing myself like this but I can't seem to help myself.

She has the most beautiful blue eyes, the kind you feel you could stare into forever.

Fuck knows how many hours I've wasted sending her emails at work, if she'd stop replying I could stop myself doing it.

It seems, at times, almost like she's interested, she replies to my emails, texts, etc, talks about so many things you wouldn't quite expect, smiles and waves every time she seems me,seems to genuinely like coming to sit next to me on the bus...

It's far and away the most interest anyone has shown in me for so very long.

I wasn't going to do anything about it, just be typical me, let it pass eventually.

People pointed out that I had nothing to do so, via the medium of email, I did suggest going to the cinema.

Yes, email, lame I know but I'm so very crap at this and so very very scared.

"I'll get back to you on that one"

She didn't

A week or so later I made another similar suggestion, but she just ignored it, so I resolved to not bother any more.

I didn't manage to hold to it, the evening before I was originally intending to go back home to find out more about my sister suddenly being pregnant and married, she messaged me on facebook.

I replied, more messages, told her I wasn't going back home yet because my mother had said there was no point at that time. More messages, another half assed suggestion.

"I'll get back to you" plus a hint that it wouldn't be anything, if you know what I mean.

Spent hours talking to her until I was too tired to stay awake any more.

I don't know why I do this to myself.

She drops hints, relationships are too complicated, I enjoy being by myself, so why do I keep thinking maybe, maybe, maybe she'll change her mind, tell me she wants me?

I tried reminding her of the film when she didn't get back to me, told her to ring me if she did want to see it.
She didn't.
But later texted me, asking how it was and spent the evening texting me.

She's probably just being friendly, but no one else puts in that kind of effort, so it's hard for me to reconcile and I do want her so badly.

I walked over to our other site with her the other day, grabbed some stuff, returned.

I got an email "I see you managed to sneak out without saying good bye to me".

I'm listening to Fiona Apple now, I like it, it's good music and she told me to listen to it so it makes me think of her, which, for obvious reasons, constitutes a problem.

She seems to go out of her way not to say "No, I don't want you" but that doesn't really make anything better.

In fact it would be easier if she just rejected me wholly. I could move on and torture myself over somebody else.

   2 comments

Deirdre
November 27, 2010   02:16 AM PST
 
I agree.
PaniAntosha
November 26, 2010   02:50 PM PST
 
I agree she is being unfair to you. She obviously enjoys your company and friendship and you are doing wonders for her self esteem. Still if she were a more honorable person she would address the issue head on and gently say "I really care about you as a friend but..." It takes a little courage but it is the only FAIR thing to do in the situation. She is either inmature or self centered if she can't straighten it out. I hope you can move on if you can't resolve yourself to be "just friends" with her. I know sometimes that just isn't possible.

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